Many of us are familiar with the term anxiety. It is a feeling of unease, such as worry, fear or nervousness that can be mild or severe typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome such as saying yes to that handsome guy’s marital or dating proposal. Relationships are one of those situations where the variables are unpredictable. We can never know for sure what the future holds. We have many hopes, ideas, expectations of what this journey of love with another person may bring, but we can’t know or predict any of these outcomes with absolute confidence hence we express fear which often plaques our confidence to stay faithful with one lover. It is the cause of double-dating game, therefore, it is important to learn how to tolerate and cope with the foreign irritant known as uncertainty so you won’t become lost in an attempt at enforcing certainty.
The butterflies in our stomach cause us to have more than likely thought about any number of the following: “am I enough?”, “will you still love me if…?”, “what if I open up to you and you decide to leave?”, “what if I get hurt or rejected?” what if I get killed? What if you get broke or lose your job tomorrow? All of which have no definite guarantee or answer. Relationships require work, risk, and vulnerability.
You can learn to cope with uncertainty by:
1. Learning about Yourself. This is an enlightening experience that exposes you to your unique self, not a borrowed self-premised on faking a story about what you are not. In learning about yourself you become self-sufficient and confident. To learn about yourself visit our listening command center via Whatsapp 08058154652
2. You must trust an Unknown future to a Known God that controls the unknown. His name is Jesus Christ. Never underestimate the place of prayer and moment spent with Him.
3. Focus on what you can control: anxiety pushes us to automatically put on our mental magnifying glass to search for all of the possible negative outcomes. We end up focusing on questions like “What if he or she suddenly stop liking me?”, “What if he or she leaves?”… etc, generally focusing on worst-case outcomes that leave us frightened, insecure and ultimately forces us to put on an unreal self. When you shift your focus to what you can control, you regain your power in the situation. You are no longer a helpless passenger on a rollercoaster ride; you become the driver and have the ability to accelerate, slow down or go a different route. Things you can control in a relationship include:
· How much you share about yourself and when (sharing too much too soon can progress things too quickly)
· How quickly you become sexually involved. You shouldn’t even engage in pre-marital sex.
· How much time you spend thinking about the person (constantly dwelling on hopes and expectations can rob your objectivity and your power)
· Maintaining your own sense of self (keeping up with your own life, activities, etc.)
4. Learning how to take calculated risks: When getting to know someone it is helpful to assess the risk of opening your heart. For me, a risk assessment contains some of these questions:
· Are they looking for commitment?
· Do they have the same values as me?
· Are they dependable/reliable?
· Are they emotionally available/ present?
· Are previous relationships still present in their life?
· Do they respect the speed I am willing to go in the relationship?
· Are we compatible?
If there are many negative responses to this risk assessment, I may decide that it is too risky for me to continue in the relationship. If most responses are positive but I am unsure about one or two areas then I may proceed with caution. You may assess risk differently; nevertheless, it is important not to gamble with your heart. Make sure to size up your opponent to determine what your next move should be.
5. Focusing on realistic outcomes:
I find people either have overly optimistic or overly pessimistic ideas about how a relationship will play out. We either place all of our hopes and expectations on the new relationship or sabotage ourselves by expecting the worst-case outcome. Both can be equally detrimental and have huge effects on our approach and ability to cope when things don’t go as expected. The solution is to try to take a realistic approach to relationships.
Realistically:
You won’t be compatible with everyone. Just because you aren’t compatible with someone doesn’t mean you aren’t loveable or won’t find love. Not all relationships end in disaster. Not all relationships result in marriage. Your past relationships don’t have to determine the outcome of your future relationships.
Please share to bless a soul
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